Sobriety During the Holidays:

Reconciling Grief and Rediscovering Myself

I’ve been sober for 2 years and 4 months, and yet, alcohol still finds its way into my thoughts. The holidays, in particular, remain challenging for me. This season was once a time when I leaned heavily into drinking. As a binge drinker, the holidays were a perfect storm—a socially acceptable time for overindulgence, where everyone seemed to be participating in the same excess. Alcohol was always my closest confidant, but during this time of year, it felt like we could shine together. I loved the glow it gave me—like a dollar store tinsel lit up by the twinkling lights of a Christmas tree. In those moments, I felt alive.

Now, as a sober person, I grieve that version of myself and the persona I created. Sometimes, I find myself longing for her, wondering if she’s been lost to the abyss because I no longer sip the jet fuel that brought her to life. It’s a delicate balancing act—acknowledging the deep ache of missing alcohol while understanding that I can never go back to it. The grief runs deep. But over time, I’ve started to ask myself: do I miss the substance, or do I miss the illusion that I wasn’t already whole without it?

Sobriety has shown me that the person I thought alcohol created—the confident, radiant, joyful me—was never a product of drinking. She was always there, waiting to shine. I still love happy hours and delight in mixing creative mocktails with interesting flavor profiles. I still adore hosting, creating ambiance, and spreading joy. I now see that alcohol was never the source of these qualities. In fact, it diminished them, tamping down my stardust and washing away the magic with liquid death (not the delicious sparkling water kind—though I’ll happily toast with that now).

The grief I once carried for my drinking self feels unnecessary now because the truth has become clear: the person I mourned was never tied to alcohol. What I truly lost was the illusion that I needed something external to feel alive, to sparkle, to thrive. Sobriety has gifted me the realization that my sweet, vulnerable self—the one who used liquid courage to navigate the holidays—has finally been set free. She is no longer weighed down but is instead spreading her sparkle across the universe, untethered and unapologetically real.

For anyone navigating sobriety during the holidays, I offer this candid insight: you don’t have to be perfect to participate in this journey. Our culture often pushes an all-or-nothing mindset, making it feel like anything less than complete success is failure. But sobriety isn’t about achieving perfection; it’s about rediscovering and celebrating who you are beneath the glittering facade. Practical tips and strategies are helpful, but the real work is finding grace for yourself—knowing that attempts, missteps, and small victories all count.

So this holiday season, let’s redefine what it means to sparkle. Let’s thrive, not because of what we’ve left behind but because of the vibrant, beautiful truth of who we’ve always been.